Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I don't know what to do

Advice/ideas would be welcome. Thomas (16 as you know) has had a girlfriend for the last 9 months - first love and all - all a bit too intense for my liking (they are in the same class) but he is an intense person and she has quite a few family problems (any of you who read the old blog may remember when I mentioned her coming back from a 3 week trip to find her home empty (Mum was 40 kms away in the hills having a holiday - from what, I don't know, she does nothing except look after her dogs) and no food in the house - her Mum and partner are about to move about 50 kms away and she is going to live with the nuns so she can finsh this year at school - she has been through a terrible time - feeling completely abbandoned by her Mum, friends at school (a lot of them are fairly two faced girls - that sounds very hard but it is infact the reality of life in a small provincial Italian town) and her Dad (who pays no maintenece and just pops in and out of her life with no regard for her needs) - she is a lovely girl - and Thomas has been a real rock for her - he has helped her massively with school work, she has been welcomed into our family (I could say 'families' because she was spending a lot of her time with with us or when the kids were with their dad she would spend time with them) - her Mum does nothing for her - takes no notice when she comes in or goes out - its like she is invisible in her own home - well, I think it had all got too much for Thomas - he is a very responsible, sensitive kid (infact I don't think it was a coincidence they hooked up - with everything he had been through when his dad and I separated he could understand her and he wanted to help her) - but he was taking on all the responsibility for her happiness - before Christmas he was in tears telling me that she was in a terrible state (about the move to the nuns etc) but that whatever he did it just wasn't enough - anyway, the long and the short of it is that last week they broke up - Thomas behaved badly and she finished with him (here I have to say that I think Thomas actually behaved like a typical male - instead of having the guts to finish with her he behaved in such a way that she would finish with him thus releasing himself from all responsibility - Mum's not pleased about this.....) - the next day Allegra (the girlfriend) changed her mind and depserately wanted to get back with him - he held out for a few days and it seemed thaat slowly things were getting back on track - he had started eating again, looking more like his old self etc etc - but........I have just bumped into Allegra - and I am completely shocked and very worried - she is in a terrible terrible state, her face and chest have broken out in a type of rash, she's not eating, in floods of tears, given up at school, completely beside herself - I'm sure you get the pricture - what do we do? she begged me to get Thomas to take her back - as Thomas's mum I don't wnat him to ignore his feelings (he says he doesn't miss her but he misses the way he felt about her) but on a human level I want him to help her - to be there for her - but it would be wrong for him - I am sure - so what do I do? nothing? something? she needs someone to help her - what a worry .


  1. Oh, I feel for all of you. If there wasn't the unrequited teenage love thing going, I'd suggest maybe letting her stay with you all. Being in a functional family could help her get back on track. After all, outside of your family, she really has never experienced what a family is supposed to be like. Are there no grandparents or aunts/uncles close by?

    Obviously she has no one else in her life, which is why she doesn't want to let go of Thomas. Is there a way you could sit down with her (as a substitute mom) and help her see what she's doing to herself? Her issues go much deeper than getting Thomas back. Is there another family she could live with until the end of the year?

    One thing is for sure...unless someone helps her, there's a good chance she will become a statistic somewhere along the line.

  2. What a horrible situation to be in. My heart breaks not only for this child but for you for feeling like you are caught in this situation. As a mother and a human, I know you want to hlep her. But as Thomas' mother, she must put his needs first. They are young and first love hurts terribly when it ends. (I have two sons now 24 and 21) so I know very much the situation you are in with the exception of the total abandonment thing)Could you speak with the nuns and offer a bit of insight that might hlep them meet her needs? I'm not sure how the "system" works where you live. You can always offer to be a friend/sounding board for this girl without having her in your home around Thomas...sometimes just a listening ear and a supporting heart (knowing people care) are enough to help this child rise above her conditions. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't think there's an easy way with this's going to take a good balance of heart and head.

  3. Gosh. I'm doing the posts backwards so I am rather pleased this seems to have resolved. What a trial of parenting teens are. And we all thought it was hard when they were babies!!!